A Positive out of a Negative – Good Vibrations

I’m going to start the latest instalment with a previously unpublished and self indulgent scribble from September last year, a week or two after the City to Bay event:

“Hellooo you beautiful human beings!!! I hope you are all doing well, post Puck Farkinson’s 2017! (well, almost).

The ol’ dopamine levels have taken a bit of a nose dive over the last few days. I guess it was bound to happen, after being on a high for around six weeks. So, I’ve been laying low, until I buck that trend. (Hmmm…”bucking the trend”….maybe that can be next year’s slogan!).

I’ve had the best time, over the last 6 – 8 weeks, and I owe it all to you! The love and support flowing to me has expanded my heart to bursting! Simultaneously humbling and shredding me. I am most grateful.

Accepting my situation and living in the moment, have been the big challenges of the last year. Not easy for a ruminating, procrastinating introvert.

I’ve started to enjoy being myself and being by myself, a little more. A relatively new experience. For 28 of the last 32 years, I’ve been somebody’s partner. I don’t see any potential love interest, with all the illuminating reflections of joy and good stuff ( ….lots of dopamine!), being able to get over the perceived lack of expectations for growth, that might normally go with a relationship. Especially as I have difficulties with feelings of selfishness, having some experience of the nasties that are in store.

So, here I am, growing into my “new” life…..”

Yeah, I did say self indulgent.

So, why put it out there now? I guess I thought that I was dealing with things the best way that I could, however, you can probably see more than a slight oscillation between high and low. It’s a struggle I suppose many people face at some point in life, between acceptance and moving forward and asking almost pointless, existentialist questions.

Everyday, I would like to get out of bed and enjoy the time that I have, while I can. And there are plenty of people worse off. And that’s life, you’ve gotta make the most of your lot to get any return.

For some, what I see as an epiphany, may always have been part of their core values, but for me, it has taken up far too much of my life and a few wake-up calls. So, when I say that the progression of my condition has been inversely proportional to my overall contentedness with life, it’s true. Physically and neurologically there has been a marked deterioration. As a person, I feel more rounded and complete.

On reflection, I’d have to say the positive vibe has multiplied.

It’s kept on multiplying.

As many of you now know, I’ve got a keeper. And all of those sickly sweet posts and messages I’ve been sending will keep on popping up in cyberspace, for which I make no apologies. “She”, being Marz, is one of the sweetest human beings I’ve ever met. As Ce Ce Peniston sang, “Finally.” Hmmm, I’ll throw in Paula Abdul with “Positives Attract” (sic), for some extra pop culture syrup. Groan away! I don’t care.

Things have been improving at work too!

To refresh any memory of my blog, Fatigue and Prejudice:

“So, there weren’t many options left for me.

My new role increased fatigue and pain.

My new wage meant my ability to pay for much of my medical treatment was unsustainable…….”

Well, I’m back! Working in the industry I enjoy. Working and doing important shit ‘n’ stuff an’ crap ‘n’ that.

Finished my role as a storeman Friday and started the new job, as a linesman, the following Wednesday. Earning decent money again. Perhaps….no, definitely slower, but I’m working safely and I am working. It won’t last forever, but it’s good for me.

It’s also going to make it more likely for me to be able to relax a little more and enjoy my daughter’s wedding in a few weeks. No doubt I’ll be shakin’, but not stirred 😉

Bring it!